


She can't know (Because how could she possibly feel the same)

by Chazene



Category: Supergirl, Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, College AU, Doubt, F/F, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Self-Doubt, Self-Loathing, They've known each other since high school, did I mention idiots in love, stupid idiots in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 10:59:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13433298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chazene/pseuds/Chazene
Summary: Lena is without a doubt in love with Kara Zor-El. But Lena can't and won't tell her best friend that she is hopelessly in love with her.





	She can't know (Because how could she possibly feel the same)

**Author's Note:**

> IDK if this could be triggerish but heads up for a lot of self-doubt/loathing.  
> (I don't usually put warning up, as I feel they take away from my writing, but IDK on this one just felt like I needed to do it, because I'm familiar with this feeling)  
> (Also it's Woman's March Day and just want to let every woman know, regardless of where you're from or who you are, YOU ARE AWESOME! So stay awesome Ladies!)

**_Lena_ **

Of all the things Lena Luthor never expected to happen in her life, Kara Zor-El was definitely on the top of the list. A beautiful blonde blue-eyed alien that called Lena Luthor her best friend. Lena wouldn’t have expected that junior year of high-school, this woman would have walked into her life, much less become friends with Lena, and then, summer before freshman year of college, and another thing happens that Lena would have never expected, she fell in love with her best friend.

And that’s the problem. Lena doesn’t know these feelings. She’s unfamiliar with what love feels like, and it scares the hell out of her. And Lena chooses not to tell her Kara that she’s fallen so hopelessly in love with Kara. She can’t tell her because Lena knows Kara can’t possibly feel the same way. How could she? How could someone so beautiful, so pure, love Lena? And she’s an alien, Kara Danvers is an alien. The world would be caught dead before an alien could love a Luthor. Just think of what her mother would say.

And Lena did everything she could to hide her feelings, but when Kara asked Lena to be her roommate freshman year, Lena knew that that was all but impossible.

_“Come on Lena, please!!!! You’re my best friend, and being roomies would be the best thing ever! Plus, who else can say they have an alien roommate!”_

_I laughed, “Kara, you know we can’t tell anyone!”_

_She shrugged, “Well, it’s the thought that counts! Come on!”  
          It was the damn pout. The pout that could melt the coldest of hearts, like my own. The smile that pierced through my skin and made me all warm inside that made me say the one word I feared I’d regret._

_“Okay,” I said. And with that Kara gave me one of her signature heart warming hugs._

_“This is going to be the best thing ever!”_

And that’s how Lena found herself now, lying on the bed below Kara’s. At first, she thought it silly, getting bunk beds. But each night, she hears Kara’s breathing, each night she could hear the bed creak with each heavy breath she drew in. The sound was melodic, calming and it made it that much harder to thrust her feelings down.

Lena was typing away at her laptop, finishing up one of her last papers for the year. A paper on the mechanics of using nanobots to store data and using them as a way to transfer information. And Lena was about halfway done, well she would have been finished by now if it weren’t for the distraction that was lying on the bed above her.

“We should go out, to like a party or something,” Kara said out of the blue. Lena looked away from her lap top, to find Kara floating upside down from her bed to face Lena. Her golden locks fell away from her head, revealing more of her perfect face. Lena silently cursed herself again for allowing herself to so easily be distracted.

“A party you say,” Lena responded, amused of Kara’s sudden interest to go out.

“Yeah! It’s Friday night! Let’s do something!”

“Kara,” Lena began. She’d want nothing more than to go out with Kara. But part of her feels that if she goes out, all she will see are frat boys hitting on Kara. It’s the same every time they go out. Lena can’t recall a time where Kara every allowed them to get very far, but just seeing it made Lena’s heart clench in anger. And then there was this paper. A paper she was already behind on. _Yes, that’s a good excuse,_ Lena thought. “Kara, I need to…”

“If you say you have to finish that paper, I will pick you up and carry you out of here. You know I will do it.”

Lena sighed, remember back to when Kara carried her out of the dorms after a twelve-hour study binge. Lena remembered that night so well.

_“KARA,” I shrieked as Kara picked me up from my bed. Kara slung me over her shoulders and walked out of our room. “Kara, put me down you oaf. I have studying to do.”_

_“Lena you’ve been studying all day, it’s time to relax!”_

_“I’ll relax when mid-terms are over,” I swung my hands against Kara’s back a few times attempting to break free but to no avail. I crossed my arms in defeat as Kara carried me up to the roof. “You know you’re going to pay for this? I will have my revenge.”_

_Kara only laughed, “Yeah, but you still love me.”_

_My heart skipped a beat,_ Kara, if only you know how much, _I thought. “Not right now so much.”_ Yes, that’s a good cover, as if I’m used to hearing those words, _I thought as I tried not to read into Kara’s statement._ She’s my best friend, of course she loves me. But not in the way I dream. _But I didn’t have much time to think any more on the matter as we were suddenly floating a few feet in the air._

_“KARA, YOU LITTLE SHIT!!!! TAKE US BACK DOWN,” I screamed. Kara giggled._

_“Nope, you’re just going to back and study. You need relax.”_

_“HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN YOU’RE TAKING US IN THE AIR? YOU SHOULDN’T EVEN BE FLYING!”_

_“I’m not even flying Lena, I’m barely a foot off the ground.”_

_I didn’t feel so calm. I soon found myself being held bridal style by Kara and I was clinging to her as if Kara was the last thing in my life that mattered. And in truth she was. Lionel was dead, and Kara was the only one who comforted me. Lillian beat me, and Kara was there to pick up the pieces. Lex was going mad, and Kara was the only one who was there for me. Kara, was the only reason I wanted to live. And yet I keep my emotions down… because if I were to tell Kara how much I love her and she didn’t reciprocate, I don’t think there was any way I could handle that rejection. But I love Kara enough that I think I could take it. I could withstand watching her, day after day, knowing she doesn’t love me the way I love her. I could watch her fall in love with someone else, because if it means I can see that smile, that smile that lit up my day, it would be worth it._

_“Okay, Kara,” I said as I leaned my head against her shoulder, admitting defeat that I really did need this break from studying. It allowed us to look up at the stars, and as Kara set me down so we could sit, her gaze remained up to the night sky, while mine belonged to those beautiful blue eyes._

Lena wished they could return to that night. That night was so perfect in her mind, unscathed by Lena’s brokenness. But the rational part of Lena tried to push the memory away, knowing it would only hinder her attempt to hide her feelings for the Kryptonian.

“Lena,” Kara asked, thinking Lena didn’t hear a single word Kara was saying.

“Hmm?”

“Party? Yes, or yes?”

 _Don’t look in her eyes, don’t look in her eyes, don’t look in her…shit._ And there it was, that poutful and hopeful look that no matter how hard Lena tried, she’d always surrender to its gaze. Lena sighed as she closed her laptop.

“YEAH,” Kara clapped her hands together. She then reached for Lena and dragged her off the bed, using her superspeed to catch the laptop before it flew off. “Let’s go!” But Lena tried to hold her back, seeing her reflection in the mirror. Her faded NCU sweatshirt and LuthorCorp sweatpants.

“Kara let me change.”

“Nonsense, you look beautiful, let’s go.” Kara pulled Lena again and they were out of their room and on there way to the party.

“So, Kara, where is this party exactly?”

“Oh right, duh. So, there’s this guy in my mass communications class, James. He’s friends with my cousin. And my friend Winn is going too. Anyway, I want to know James better and since he is having this party and he invited me so I thought why not, could be fun right?”

“Umm, I guess.”

“Anyway, I think it’ll be fun, so come on slow poke,” Kara took Lena’s arm into her own and they began walking towards the party.

\---

Surprising, that was the one-word Lena would use to describe the party. Surprising in that it wasn’t loud, or at least not so loud where you couldn’t hear the person next to you. Surprising that the house wasn’t all that crowded as Lena would have expected, and surprising that she fell into easy conversation with this Winn that Kara was talking about. It started when he asked her if she was Lena Luthor. Lena toughed, prepared to scathe this Winn for calling her out just because of her last name. But then he asked Lena about website she created for the college to share ideas and inventions, L-Tech.

          “I’m on that website all the time, you have like, really cool ideas,” he says nervously. “I’ve shared some of my own ideas. Oh, I’m Winn by the way, Winn Schott.”

          Lena’s eyebrows raised at that, “Schott? As in HitMeWithYourBestSchott? Is that your username on the site?” Winn looked down with a guilty smile, rubbing the back of his neck.

          “In all honesty I could have picked a better username,” he said with embarrassment. Lena smiled.

          “No, I like it. But please, tell me more about your ideas.”

          Winn’s face lit up at the request and began gushing about some of his ideas. Lena listened with intrigue, fascinated by his intellect. Lena made a mental note about hiring him if she ever took over LuthorCorp.

          “So, I have this idea,” he begins, “A light/solar powered battery for cell phones. Now I know they have chargers that work like that, but just think about how much time we spend on our phones. And most of the time they lie out in light, whether it’s artificial or sun, our phones soak up a lot of light during the day, so why not save energy and use that light to power our phones?”

          Lena grinned, “You might want to patent that.”

          Winn laughed, “Well I just need to come up with a workable design first. But when I do, you’ll be the first to know.”

          But Lena didn’t hear that last part because her eyes were fix to one blonde. Kara was in the midst of talking to rather tall, and Lena had to admit, handsome, man. Lena found herself a short pang of jealously flow through her because Kara was smiling, laughing. Something she rarely saw when Kara talked to men. Winn eventually caught Lena’s gaze.

          “Oh, that’s James. He’s been a friend of mine since childhood, he’s majoring in photojournalism. He’s actually already received an internship at the Daily Planet working with Clark Kent.”

          _Superman,_ Lena thought. _So, this James works with Kara’s cousin._ While Kara had never revealed her cousin’s secret identity, Lex Luthor was less confidential. Just before freshman year ended, it seemed Lex and Clark were very good friends. But as sophomore year progressed, it seemed Lex’s obsession with the Super, began to grow dangerous.

          But Lena’s thoughts shifted back to Kara and James. If James knows Superman, does he know Kara’s secret by now? Lena had always felt special being one of the very few people on the planet to be privy to Kara’s true self. Lena still wasn’t sure Kara told Alex that she was aware Kara was an alien. She’d never received any threats from Alex, so Lena assumed Kara told Lena of her own accord, leaving Lena to possibly be the only one in that club. But seeing how Kara was with James, Lena couldn’t help but feel jealous. And it wasn’t fair for Lena to feel jealous. Who is she to judge on who Kara wants to surround herself with? While Lena might be irretrievably in love with Kara, it was Lena’s goal to hide this feelings for as long as she could, and if seeing Kara with a man she actually likes, that would help her all the same.

          But it did hurt, seeing Kara smile like that with James. Kara never smiled like that when she talked to guys. While it was rare that Kara would ignore the people who hit on her, there was the boy who was in their Econ class in fall semester. Every day he’d hit on Kara. Lena couldn’t even recall his name, it was Manuel, or Manny, or was it Mike? Lena didn’t even care because she was disgusted with the man. She hated the very existence of this man seeing as how he constantly made passes at Kara. One-time Lena sat herself between Kara and… _Maybe it was Marty..._ and yet he still leaned over Lena’s desk just to talk to Kara.

          Kara was too kind of a soul to ignore him, and she let him off easy. But that didn’t stop Lena from cornering him one day before class, treating him with a very serious threat.

          “ _Hit on her again, and I’ll feed you your eyeballs.”_

Granted, it wasn’t Lena’s proudest moment. She’d always promised she’d never action herself from emotion, but after that threat, _Shit…maybe his name was Max…_ Whatever his name was never talked to Kara again.

           But now, seeing Kara interact with James, she genuinely was interested. And it really did hurt. She thought she could take it. She told herself that she loved Kara enough that she could see that smile for someone else other than her, Lena could take it. But she was wrong. And she was hurt.

          “Excuse me Winn,” Lena said, rushing out of the house. She found herself sitting on the porch steps. She was breathing heavy, almost hyperventilating.

          After a few moments though, her breath steadied to a normal pace and Lena leaned against the railing, staring blankly to the street in front as a voice called out behind her.

          “Well, you always did hate parties Luthor.”

          Lena’s eyes widened and she turned her head to the source of the voice. “Veronica.”

          Veronica Sinclair, a person Lena couldn’t describe as a friend, but didn’t quite dislike her either. And perhaps the only person that knew of Lena’s love for Kara Danvers.

          “Still sticking by the blondies side, I see. I take that you’ve finally given into your feelings?”

“No.”

“Ah, so still the ever-loyal best friend, frightened of giving in so that she can have to one thing she desires most.

“How would you know what I want,” Lena asks in a cold tone. _Shit, that was a stupid answer, she’s the only one that knows,_ Lena thinks as Veronica laughs.

“You forget Luthor, I’m the only one who knows of these silly feelings of yours.”

Lena scowled at that, “They are not silly.”

Veronica laughs again, “They are if you keep them to yourself. Tell me, why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you hurt yourself with keeping your feelings hidden when revealing them to her might result in the thing you’ve always wanted since that night?”

That night…the night Lena Luthor fell in love with Kara Danvers.

_I’m lying in bed, typing away at one of the useless poems I write when my phone rings on my nightstand. I immediately pick it up when I see Kara’s face light the phone screen._

_“Hey,” I answer._

_“Lena, Lena, Lena, Lena,” Kara answers quickly. I laugh._

_“What?”_

_“What do you mean what? WE’VE GRADUATED HIGHSCHOOL!! Where are you, I thought you were coming to the graduation party.”_

_My heart sank, “Kara, I’d want nothing more than to be there, but…Mother is, well she’s in a rather foul mood, and I don’t think she’d approve of my leaving for a party.”_

_Suddenly I heard a sharp whoosh. And then a knock on my bedroom window. Kara…floating. I jump out of bed and to the window, opening it quickly and forcing Kara inside._

_“Kara,” I angrily whisper, “what the hell are you thinking, what if someone sees you.” I’m punching her shoulder, mostly just out of fright that someone, like my mother, would have seen her and would be on her way up to my room now. Kara tilts her head and listens for a moment._

_“I think…I think your Mom is passed out on her desk,” she says with a smile. “So, come on.”_

_“What? Wait… what,” I ask, utterly confused at Kara._

_“Come on, your Mom is out cold, let’s go.”_

_“Where?”_

_“To the party silly.”_

_“Kara, I can’t just,” I don’t get to finish as Kara has picked me up and suddenly were out the window and on the ground in less than a second. “KARA ZOR-EL YOU LITTLE,” but I can’t finish because I look into her eyes and I suddenly come to a realization, one I’ve just been ignoring for the longest time, a feeling I think has always been there, but I’ve just now noticed…love. Kara was at her party, surrounded by her family and friends, people who love her, and yet here she is, with me. And that was all the confirmation I needed to know, a confirmation that told me I love Kara._

“You’re thinking about that night aren’t you,” Veronica asks, pulling Lena from the memory. Lena looks away, but that’s the only tell Veronica needs.

“Damn, Luthor you got it bad.”

“It doesn’t matter, she can never know, I can’t ever tell her how much I love her. She can’t know because how could she possibly feel the same way? No, I’m not telling her.”

Veronica holds her hands up, “Okay, okay. Shit…I’m not forcing you to do anything.”

Lena’s head then jerks up, with an idea. She turns to Veronica. “No, you’re not, but you can help me.” A devilish smirk appears on Lena’s lips. But Veronica steps back.

“Lena, no. Absolutely, no.”

“What? You’ve never cared for a reason before. Why care now?”

“Back then,” Veronica holds her tongue, unsure of her to form her next words, “back then, you had just discovered yourself, you were new to your sexuality, and I was happy to help. But this, now…I won’t do this for you. I won’t sleep with you just so you can ignore your feelings for Kara.”

At that, Lena grew angry, “I didn’t peg you for one to care.”

“I’ve always cared Lena, while you may not admit it, you are a friend. And as a friend I’m saying no.”

“Fine, I’ll just go find someone else to fuck my feelings away,” Lena says, standing and walking away in a puff of anger.

“Lena, you can’t just sleep with someone and expect your feelings for her to go away.”

“Watch me.” And with that, Lena walked off towards campus, not even caring whether Kara knew where she was headed.

But little did she know, Kara was up on the roof of that house, her eyes swelling with tears, having heard nearly word Lena said.

\----

**_Kara_ **

_I saw this dark-haired beauty sitting on a bench, reading, under a tree all alone. And that struck me._ How could someone so beautiful be sitting alone, _I thought. A few boys walked by and sneered and if it weren’t for my super hearing, I would have missed it, “Fucking Luthor,” I heard them say. But this Luthor, paid no attention to the boys, she only paid attention to her book, which I saw to be the sixth Harry Potter book. I smiled, those were the first books I read when I had learned English._

_“Kara are you even listening to me,” Alex’s voice called through my phone, which I had forgotten I was even holding._

_“Sorry, yeah, I’m,” I continued looking at this woman, whose gaze remained focused on the pages of the book. “Hey, Alex, I’m gonna call you back.”_

_“Wait, Kara, what are you…” But I hung up before Alex could speak anymore. With my eyes still fixed on this woman, I slowly walked forward. But soon I stopped, not knowing what to say to this woman. What should I open with? Should I say anything at all? But when the girl turned the page, I knew exactly what to say._

_“The third book was my favorite,” I speak softly, hoping not to startle the brunette. The brunette slowly looked up from her book and my heart soared. Thank Rao this girl didn’t have super hearing because I could hear my heart beat intensely. Her eyes were so beautifully green, as if they were created from emeralds themselves. I had to work hard to keep my composure, continued to speak. “What about yours?”_

_The woman closed the book, her finger holding her place in the pages, but as she put the book down, it revealed just how long her hair was. And I couldn’t help but smile at just how beautiful she was. But her face showed one of annoyance, and I stepped back._

_“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you, but you were sitting her all alone and that was sad. I MEAN NOT TO SAY YOU LOOK SAD! But like, you shouldn’t have to sit alone. And then I saw you were reading that book and I love Harry Potter, but I just wanted to know I guess what your favorite book was. Oh, I’m Kara by the way.”_

_I winced after I was done talking, those closet to me were used to my rather excessive babbling, or word vomits as Alex called them, but to a total stranger, it might be rather annoying. But to my chagrin, she smiled._

_“I can’t really say yet, I haven’t finished them yet,” I was so surprised by that fact that I didn’t take time to hear the beauty in her voice._

_“YOU HAVEN’T READ THEM BEFORE? Wh…sorry, that was loud,” I apologized before speaking again, “The books have been out for years! They were the first books I read when I lande…learned English. They are like…the best books ever.” I was speaking so passionately that I didn’t notice the girl’s smile widen. “Sorry, I…sorry.”_

_“It’s quite alright. And I do agree, these books are quite fascinating…Kara was it?”_

_I nodded._

_“Well out of the ones I’ve finished. I do quite like the fifth book, but I have to say, I’m finding this one,” she raised the book to show the cover of the Half-Blood Prince, “rather light-hearted, and it does kind of bore me.”_

_“Oh, just you wait…” I muttered, not realizing I had said it aloud._

_“Pardon,”_

_“Nothing. It’s just, I can’t imagine anyone being bored of a Harry Potter book.”_

_“Well, I never got to read these as a child, Mother wasn’t too fond of fantasy or ‘stupid books’ as she called them. So that’s why I read them now, here, where she doesn’t know.”_

_“What kind of parent wouldn’t their child to read Harry Potter,” I said shocked that a parent could do such a thing. Lena looked surprised._

_“Do you…do you not know who I am?”_

_“Ummm, should I?”_ Wow Kara, that was smooth _…but again, the woman smiled._

_“Wow, that’s, actually very refreshing. I’m Lena Luthor.”_

_“Hi.”_

_“Hello.”_

_We paused a bit, both smiling at each other._

_“Would you like to sit?”_

_“Oh, um, yeah,” I swiftly sat next to Lena, my gaze locked on Lena’s eyes._

_“So, I suppose you’re wondering why my Mother would ban was it in my mind the best fantasy book series ever written?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Mother only ever approved me to read books of science. She found this ‘stupid little fantasy’ books are not worth the time of a Luthor.”_

_“Wow what a jerk face.”_

_“Jerk face?”_

_I looked away, a small flush forming on my cheeks. “Umm, yeah, like she’s a jerk, and she has a face,” I paused, “She does have a face, right?”_

_Lena giggled, and I thought it was one of the prettiest sounds in the world._

_“Yes, Kara she does have a face.”_

_“Okay, that’s good.” At that moment my phone started buzzing. “Oh, umm, shoot that’s my sister. I may have hung up on her to talk to you,” I didn’t give her the chance to reply as I answered my phone. “What, Alex, I’m busy.”_

_“With what?”_

_“I’m talking to a friend,” I said._

_“What friend?”_

_I smiled, “Her name is Lena, anyway I’m still talking to her so bye.”_

_I hung up again before Alex could say anything in return. But I turned back to see Lena’s face in a state of confusion and shock._

_“What?”_

_“Friends,” she asked in a nervous voice. I bowed my head._

_“Sorry, that was a bit presu…” I paused, not able to form the word that I was thinking of, English was still rather difficult. “Um, I don’t know the word.”_

_“Presumptuous?”_

_My face lit up, “Yes, that. That was a bit pre-sumpt-uous, of me to say that, sorry if that was awkward.” But again, Lena was smiling._

_“Well if we are friends,” Lena scoots closer to me, “Friends talk, so…Who’s your favorite character,” she said showing me the book._

_“Sirius,” I said without hesitation._

_“Sirius?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“May I ask why?”_

_I paused. The reason was very personal. All Sirius wanted was to be there for Harry. And I can really relate to that because that’s all I want, is for my family to be there. Not that the Danvers haven’t been wonderful, I love them dearly. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss my family from Krypton. I noticed Lena was looking at me with curiosity._

_“Are you okay Kara?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“You have a tear falling,” she said as she reached out to wipe it away. And that touch…I don’t think I’ll ever forget how soft that felt._

_“Sorry, umm. I…I lost my family when I was 13,” I began, even if that was almost 25 years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday._

_“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Lena said. Her hand found itself on top of mine._

_“So, you’re…you’re adopted?”_

_“Yeah. And I love them very much.”_

_“That’s good, I wished the Luthor’s were as loving as yours.”_

_I perked up, “You’re adopted too?”_

_“Yes, my biological mother died when I was four I think.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_I was half expecting a smile in return, but Lena gave me a small laugh. I felt my brows furrow._

_“Something funny?”_

_Lena held her hands up in defense, “Oh no, no, no. It’s…I’ve never told anyone that.”_

_“That your mother died, or that you’re adopted?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Oh, umm, I’m honored?”_

_“Well, aren’t that what friends are for?”_

Kara couldn’t help but start crying after recalling one of the happiest moments of her life after landing on Earth. The day she met Lena Luthor. And know Kara didn’t even know, well anything. The woman she’d been best friends with for almost four years, was in love with her. And…Kara was utterly shocked by that fact.

And it wasn’t right, not the Lena being in love part, Rao no, never that. No, it wasn’t right because Kara had no right to listen in on Lena. It was an invasion of privacy, but Lena basically stormed out and Kara was worried for her best friend, so she snuck out to the roof and listened in. And that was probably the poorest choice Kara could have ever made. Because it was new ground to Kara. Someone loved her…not like how Alex and Eliza loved her…someone _loved_ her.

 _I don’t know what to do,_ Kara thought to herself. She should go to Lena, talk to her, but Kara doesn’t know what to say. So, Kara does something else, she picks up her phone and makes a call. Kara doesn’t realize she’s crying as Alex picks up the phone.

“Kara,” Alex groans, “It’s one in the morning.”

“Umm, I’m sorry Alex, but,” Kara sniffs, “I really need to talk to you.”

“Wait, you’re crying, what’s going on?”

“Lena, uhhh, Lena said…Alex she loves me.”

“She’s your best friend of cour…”

“No Alex, she LOVES me.”

“Oh…OH!! Well,” Alex sighed, “Wow, that’s pretty heavy stuff. So, she told you this?”

Kara started crying more. “No, I…I was eavesdropping, and I shouldn’t have. We went to party tonight and she suddenly rushed out and I wanted to make sure she was okay, and I overheard her talking to this Veronica woman. And she said ‘I can’t ever tell her how much I love her. She can’t know because how could she possibly feel the same way?’ That was what she said before I stopped listening.”

There are several seconds of silence that pass on the phone as Kara lies back on the roof.

“Alex?”

“Where is she now?”

“I don’t know, she stormed off after her conversation with this Veronica person, I’m not sure what she said to her, I didn’t want to eavesdrop anymore.”

More silence.

“Alex?”

“Hang on, I’m trying to think of something to say.” A few more seconds pass before Alex speaks again, “So Lena loves you. How do you feel about that?”

Kara sniffs, her tears stopping for a moment. “I,” Kara freezes. _How do I feel? I love her, I’ve always loved her, she’s my best friend,_ Kara thinks, _but can I love her the way she loves me?_ “I, I don’t know Alex. She’s my best friend, I do love her, but I,”

“Kara,” Alex interrupts, wanting to stop Kara from saying something she might regret.

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember when you forced Lena to come to your graduation party?”

“Of course.”

“You were so keen on getting Lena to come that you risked exposing yourself just to bring her. And you remember how furious Mom was because you did that? But you were smiling that whole time because Lena had come.”

Kara smiles a bit. “Yes.”

“And then after that night you practically begged for Lena to be…”

“I didn’t beg.”

“Shut up, you were begging. You begged for her to be your roommate.”

“Well yeah, I couldn’t imagine having anyone else.”

“And what about when you told her your secret?”

Kara thought back to perhaps one of the most nerve racking moments since her time on Earth.

_“Okay, okay, okay. I can do this,” I repeated to myself as I walked out of the bathroom and into my room where I found Lena on my bed, looking through my collection of CDs._

_“Kara, I didn’t think it was possible for one person to own so much boy band music, or more accurately NSYNC,” she teased. I gave her a playful glare._

_“I didn’t invite you over just so you could make fun of my music collection.”_

_“So why did you?”_

_“Oh, right. Uhh, we’ve been friends for almost a year now. And I must confess, I’ve been lying to you since day one.”_

_Her eyebrow raised, “Have you now? Let me guess, a rival of my family is paying you to get close to me and then I’ll be kidnapped for ransom, or no…my Mother’s been paying you to find out all my deepest darkest secrets, so that she can use it as…”_

_“I’m an alien.”_

_“Leverage.…what?”_

Wow that was bad, _I thought. “I’m an alien Lena, from Krypton. I’m Superman’s cousin.”_

_Lena’s face is one of shock. My heart races as it waits for Lena’s answer. After several seconds, I just can’t take the silence._

_“Lena? Are yo…”_

_“That’s, really cool.”_

_“Really?”_

_“I’m best friends with a Super! Oh wow…I really am my brother.”_

_“Hey now,” I said playfully pushing her down on the bed, “You are so not your brother. I don’t know what his problem is, or why he hates my cousin so much when they used to be friends, but you are nothing like him…or your mother.”_

_“Well at least someone sees it.”_

_“And I always will, no matter what,” I say, lying down next to Lena. I hear her heart beat happily, as if my words were her life line._

_“So, you’re not mad I didn’t tell you sooner?”_

_“Of course not, Kara. I’m sure this was a big thing for you to tell me, and I’m sure you haven’t told many people…”_

_“Actually, you’re the only one.”_

_“I…really?”_

_“Well all my family knows, and, I’ve never really wanted to tell anyone until you.”_

_“Well, I’m honored,” Lena said with a wide smile. I laugh, recalling some of the first words we spoke to each other._

_“Well aren’t that what friends are for?”_

“Kara,” Alex says, causing Kara to focus back to reality.

“Sorry, I was thinking about when I told her.”

“Hmm, I figured. You had never told anyone your secret, and I assume she’s still the only one you’ve told.”

“Yes.”

“What does that tell you?”

“That I trust her beyond a doubt with my life,” Kara said instantly, not giving it any second thought.

“Mmhmm, and how about just now you sneak up to a rooftop just to make sure she’s okay?”

“Of course.”

A few seconds of silence.

“Alex?”

“Kara, do you not see the trend here?”

“What trend?”

“KARA! You called her your friend barely a minute after you met her, you told me as much.”

“Well yeah, I looked in her eyes, heard her heart, and…Oh Rao.”

Kara sits up, with sudden realization.

“Alex, I think I’m in love with Lena.”

“There it is.”

 “Rao, what do I do?”

“Tell her.”

“Wha, Alex I…”

“KARA! YOU LITERALLY JUST HEARD SHE LOVED YOU!”

“But…what if she doesn’t believe me?”

“Kiss her,” another voice calls through the phone. Maggie.

“Maggie, I’m not just going to kiss her.”

“Why not, it worked for me and Alex.”

“But…I, I have to respect her space.”

“Weren’t you just eavesdropping on Lena?”

“I, shut up Maggie.”

Kara hears a groan and a giggle as Alex pushed Maggie away from the phone.

“Kara, I really think you should tell her. I know you love her as your best friend, but something tells me you’ve always felt this way, you know, loving her more than just a best friend, and I know that can be scary, but trust me when I tell you, don’t bury your feelings, because it will most definitely kill you.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” Kara hears Maggie call out from the background.

Alex ignores Maggie and continues her talk with her sister, “Kara just tell her how you feel.”

Kara draws in a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Good, now go get the girl.”

“Yeah, and when you do, let me know if Luthor is a top or…”

Kara hangs up before she can hear the end of the Maggie’s sentence. Kara sighs and lies back on the roof. Kara carefully finds her way to the ground, out of sight of anyone nearby and begins her walk back to the dorm.

She walks for barely five minutes when she listens in on her room, but she doesn’t hear that familiar heartbeat. Kara tilts her head, sifting through the numerous noises of the campus, trying to single out that heartbeat that knows like her own name. Her hearing is strained but eventually she hears it. Its unsteady, irreverent…

 _She’s drunk,_ Kara’s mind deduces. She picks up her walking pace, making way towards Lena’s heartbeat. She soon found herself in front of one of the newer clubs in town simply called _Club HB._ She was about to head in when a large man, easily ex-military, stopped her.

“Hold up there, where do you think you’re going?”

 _Quick, Kara, think._ “Umm, I got a text from my friend. She’s quite drunk in there, and wanted me to pick her up.” _Please, just let me through._

The large man, large enough that he might even give Kara a tough fight, nodded. “Okay, fine. Make it quick.” He moved to let Kara through, who was eager to get inside.

Once inside, Kara was met with bright flashing lights and blaring music. Music so unruly it began to overload Kara’s senses. She found purchase against a wall, trying to gain control of her senses, while trying to single out the one person she was here for.

 _Lena,_ Kara thinks to herself, _Just, find Lena._ She pushed her way through the thick crowd of people jumping up and down on the dance floor. Bodies pushed her back and forth as she made her way through but she soon found herself standing several feet from the bar. And Kara saw Lena, her back turned to her, leaning over against another woman, locked together in a furious kiss. Lena’s hands were tangled in this woman’s dark hair, whose hands gripped Lena’s ass.

And Kara’s heart stopped. _I…she, can’t…but,_ “Lena?” Kara didn’t even realize she spoke. She immediately covered her mouth, terrified that Lena heard her. But Lena remained locked to this woman’s lips.

She had to get out of here. _She, maybe I misheard everything,_ Kara thought, doubting herself. She started to hear her heart beat rapidly. _OH RAO, NO! No! No! No!_ Kara began to feel the tears in her eyes. _I have to get out of here._

She pushes through the crowd, desperately trying to get away. Kara didn’t know if she was pushing anyone down, but she couldn’t find it in her heart to care. Finally she got to the exit and she ran for her dorm, maybe faster than she should have but she doesn’t care. _I have to get away, I have to get away._

Once she reaches her dorm room she rushes for her bed and covers herself with her blankets and starts balling. She cries and cries until she feels she doesn’t have any tears left.

\----

**_Lena_ **

          “I need scotch, neat, and just keep ‘em comin’” Lena swiftly orders the second she finds a seat at the bar and slides over a $50. The bartender complies, pouring a glass and handing to Lena. She downs the scotch quickly, allowing the strong liquid to burn her throat. The bartender hesitates for a second, but ends up pouring another glass. And as Lena is about to take a sip, a hand taps her shoulder.

          “Woah now, you might want to pace yourself there,” a low voice says from behind her. She recognizes that voice. _Is that, Mike?_ Lena snaps her head and indeed her suspicious are correct.

          “Oh, you fucker…it’s you.”

          “Sorry, have we met before? I’m sure I’d remember such a beautiful body like yours.”

          Lena rolls her eyes, almost a year later and he’s still an idiot. “Back off, I’m gay,” Lena blurts out, hoping it will make him go away. But he moves closer, and Lena is becoming very uncomfortable.

          “Well maybe you just haven’t met the right man.”

          Lena feels vomit in her mouth, and she’s about to turn to shove him away but a voice calls out behind him.

          “Babe, there you are, I was looking for you on the dance floor.” The voice is firm, commanding, but sweet. Lena looked into the eyes of the source and found blue eyes. Not Kara’s blue eyes, no, these eyes belonged to skin almost as pale as hers and she had the hair too much. But she walked confidently over to Lena and planted a quick kiss to her lips.

          Lena was too surprised to notice Mike’s jaw drop.

          “Oh, I’m sorry, you’re still here?” The brunette asks snottily. Mike rolls his eyes and shrugs, turns, and walks away. Lena finds herself staring into this woman’s eyes.

          “Sorry for the surprise attack there, figured that was the only way to get rid of him. I’m Helena, Helena Bertinelli.”

          Lena is still so shocked from the kiss, as it was her first in almost two years, that she forgets to speak.

          “Umm, Miss,” Helena asks quizzically. Lena shakes her head and finally finds the words to say.

          “Sorry, Helena, I’m Lena. Luthor.”

          “Nice to meet you Ms. Luthor, could I buy you a drink?”

          Lena shakes the glass of scotch in her hands, “No, thank you, I’m all set.”

          “Ah, I see, well I just be on my…”

          “I didn’t say for you to leave,” Lena says in a harsh tone. Perhaps too harsh for Helena, having just met her.

          “Oh, I know that tone.”

          “What tone?”

          “That’s the tone of someone who is hopeless.”

          Lena set’s her glass down harshly. “And what exactly do you think I’m hopeless for Ms. Bertinelli.”

          “A girl perhaps?”

          Lena’s lips twitch.

          “I’ve seen that look before, one of confusion and fear. So, tell me, who is this girl?”

          Three words come to mind, _I love her,_ Lena thinks, but instead, she says, “It doesn’t matter.”

          “And wh…”

          “It doesn’t matter,” Lena repeats. _It doesn’t. She can’t love me. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her._ Lena doesn’t even realize a tear is falling down her cheeks until Helena leans in close, kissing it away.

          “Don’t cry now, you just need something to help you forget.”

          Lena turns to her scotch, which she can’t remember if its her fourth or fifth of the night. She shrugs, “I think I’ve got that covered.”

          “No, not drinking,” Helena’s hand barely grazes Lena’s own and Lena turns to look into Helena’s eyes. There are so many reasons she should say no. _One, I love Kara. Two, I love Kara. Three, this will just make things worse,_ her brain says, but with all the alcohol and Lena’s rather poor mental state, she says, “Okay.”

          Lena pushes herself up against Helena, leaning against the bar and kisses her roughly. And Lena soon feels Helena’s hands on her ass.

          All Lena can feel now is the guilt that is pooling in her stomach. She kisses Helena harder. Helena pushes back for a second.

          “Not here, follow me,” she says, taking Lena’s hand and leading her upstairs to a private room.

          “You must be important here.”

          “You could say that. My father owns the club.”  

          “HB…Helena Bertinelli. Ahh, that’s…” Lena doesn’t finish as Helena’s lips are locked onto hers. And again, the guilt that Lena’s trying so desperately to push down, stays glued to her stomach as if like a leech.

          “FUCK!!!” Lena screams, startling Helena.

          “Are you okay?” She asks, carefully placing her hand on Lena’s shoulder as she backs up into a wall and slides down, placing her head between her knees as she cries her heart out.

          “I love her,” Lena mutters through the tears. Helena’s hands falter, leaving their place on Lena’s shoulder as she repeats, “I love her. I love her. I love her.”

          “Okay, you love her…then why are you here with me?”

          “I,” Lena pauses. It was a fair question. Through Lena’s drunken antics and poor mindset, all rationality she had left after she took her first drink. “I wanted to forget.”

          “Did your girl cheat on you?”

          “No, no.” Lena quickly defended, not even thinking for a second this could be Kara’s fault. But it was. Kara just _had_ to be so pure. She just _had_ to be the most beautiful being to grace this planet. And she just _had_ to be Lena’s best, maybe only, friend. But it was Lena who fell in love with her. It was Lena who adored the way Kara would fall asleep on her shoulder, and then her head would fall to her lap in exhaustion. It was Lena who allow herself to be persuaded by the blonde to drop everything and go out. It was Lena’s fault she fell in love.

          “So, if she didn’t cheat on you, why are you so angry?” Helena’s now sitting across from Lena, with much attention being paid to the Luthor.

          “I’m angry at myself. I’ve loved this woman for 723 days.” Lena is actually shocked she can recall the exact number in her drunken state.

          “Damn.”

          “And not once have I made my feelings known.”

          “Why?”

          Lena draws in a deep breath, she knows it’s the alcohol that’s given her this so-called confidence to open up to a complete stranger.

          “How could she possibly return my feelings?”

          Helena opens and closes her mouth a few times before speaking, “Have you even considered telling her?”

          “No,” is her immediate reply.

          “Well therein lies the problem. How could you possibly know how she feels when you won’t tell her how you feel?”

          “You don’t think I’ve considered that? I’ve ventured every avenue of possibility. I tell her, she laughs. I tell her, she rejects me. I tell her, she tells me no. I’ve thought of her feelings time and time again. She’s my best friend. She’s always been there for me. We’ve known each other for over four years, but not once I’ve I sensed that she could be in love with me. Even when she drops everything to be at my side. Even when she begged for us to be roommates. Even when she forces me to go out to parties with her. Even when she will listen to me for hours talk about science. Even when she forces me to stay up to watch Disney movies until she…”

          A sudden realization hits Lena. She doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or that’s it’s the fact she’s saying all this out loud. Not even Veronica had heard Lena say any of this.

          “She forces you to watch Disney. Lena, I’d say this girl has it pretty bad.”

          Lena wants to laugh but in reality, having heard herself say all this, Lena wants to kick her teeth in. _Am I that blinded by my own self-hatred that I can’t see that someone could possibly love me?_ And with that, there’s only one place she needs to be.

          “Excuse my…well, everything. I apologize for…”

          “Stop it right there. No apology is necessary, if anything, it is I who must apologize. I misread the situation. But, as a token, consider your bar tab paid for future visits.”

          Lena opens her mouth to protest but Helena stops her, “I’m getting you a taxi to take you to this girl.”

          Lena can’t protest because Helena is already making a call on her phone, and before she knows it, she’s in a taxi and on her way to her dorm. _I’m a fucking idiot,_ she thinks.

\----

**_Kara_ **

          It’s the door the swings open that pulls her from her teary state. She wipes her eyes away to see Lena at the door, her head hung low in shame. Kara jumps from her bed and has Lena in her arms in a second. Despite being more confused than she’s ever been, Kara refuses to let Lena grieve on her own.

          “What happened,” Kara asks softly, running her hands through Lena’s hair as she lies her head on Kara’s shoulder.

          “I love you,” Lena’s voice is so faint that Kara can barely hear it. But then Lena stands and turns to Kara. “I LOVE YOU! OKAY! I SAID IT. I’VE LOVED YOU FOR 723 DAYS! JUST…FUCK I LOVE YOU!!!” She screams.

\----

**_Lena_ **

          Lena’s heart is beating so loudly that she doesn’t register Kara pushing her back against the door, effectively closing it, and she definitely doesn’t get a word out as Kara smashes her lips against hers, and _holy fuck_. _Like…HOLY FUCK!_ Kara’s lips feel mesmerizing against hers and Lena is so trapped by the feeling she doesn’t register Kara picking her up and wrapping her own legs around the blonde’s waist. And so she certainly doesn’t feel Kara’s tongue begging for entrance into her mouth because Lena’s so enthralled by the excitement of it that she can’t even manage anything other than gratuitous moans.

          But before Kara’s tongue tickles her own, Kara stops. She stops and those eyes…those damned eyes are piercing through Lena’s very soul. Kara’s jaw is dropped wide.

          “Holy fuck,” and if Lena wasn’t turned on before, she most certainly is now. Never in her life had she heard Kara Danvers curse. And oh God was it hot. “I mean…we, should probably talk. Kara carries Lena to the bed and lays her down, Kara kneels by her side.

          “So…umm, I kind of eavesdropped on you,” Kara confesses, unable to make eye contact. But she soon turns, her eyes wide. “Nonono, it’s not that I didn’t trust you. I do, forever I do, but, you left the party in a hurry and I was worried,” Kara pauses and giggles, “That rhymed,” but she shakes her head, “Okay that was silly…No I was worried for you so I snuck up to the roof and then I heard to you say to that lady that you loved me and you couldn’t tell me. And then I started crying because I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go down and tell you how I feel but I didn’t know how I felt. And I didn’t want you to know I was spying on you because it was an invasion of privacy. But then I called Alex and she and I talked and pointed out a few things and then I realized I loved you and I think I always have. So, I went looking for you but you weren’t at the dorm. So, I had to listen for your heartbeat and I followed it to the club, which…sorry, invasion of privacy…sorry. But I got to the club and convinced the bouncer to let me in. And I was looking for you and then I saw you kissing that woman and I got so scared and confused because maybe I just heard you wrong and maybe you didn’t love me. And I didn’t want to think that because the more I think about you, the more I realize I love you and when I saw you kissing that woman and I ran out of there as fast as I can and I ended up back here and I hid under the covers crying my heart out because seeing you kissing another girl broke my heart because I love you.” Kara draws in a deep breath and lets it out. “I love you.”

Lena’s heart is so high on excitement, she’s pretty sure it’s giving Kara sensory overload.

“Kara, I am so sorr…”

“STOP! You have NOTHING to be sorry for. I don’t care for you reasons not telling me, and I don’t need to know why you were kissing that other woman. It hurts, but I don’t think anything else happened, because you are here…now. And that was like so 15 minutes ago. All I need you to know is that I love you. I love that you are not perfect. I love you good pieces, your bad pieces, and your broken pieces. I love that you are such a nerd. I love hearing gush about Star Wars and comic books. I love hearing you talk about sciencey stuff. I love it when you fall asleep in my arms. I can hear your heart beat so softly that it helps put me to sleep. And I’ve done that for so many nights over the past few years. Which again, sorry for the invasion of privacy, its just…your heart beats 67 times a minute when your sleeping and its so melodic that its kind of heart not to hear. And I love…LOVE that you are so insanely, like INSANELY beautiful, it was the first thing I thought when I first saw you. And I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to realize my feelings for you but all I care is that I love you. And…”

“Kara,” Lena speaks for the first time in five minutes during Kara’s confession, “Shut up and kiss me again.” Lena holds her hand out for Kara come up to the bed. And Lena doesn’t know how but somehow, she wrestles Kara below her, kissing her furiously. She kisses and kisses and kisses until she’s pretty sure her lips have been kissed dry.

She breaks away and rests her head on Kara’s chest, breathing happily. ”Shit, if I had known how good it was kissing you, I would have confessed my feelings long ago.” Kara laughs.

          “If I had known I’ve been in love you with long time ago, I would have as well.”

          “Wow, we are horrible at being in love.”

          “Yeah, really.”

          A few seconds pass before Kara speaks again. “Hey, Lena?”

          “Yes, love,” Lena asks as she lifts her head to look into Kara’s eyes.

          “Umm… could we like, kiss, again,” her voice is nervous but oh so very sweet. Lena responds with a loving kiss. And another, and maybe a couple more…dozen. While Lena is unsure of many things in life, three things are certain. 1. She loves Kara. 2. Kara loves her. 3. She will never, EVER, get tired of kissing Kara Zor-El.

_Fin_

_Post Script_

**_Kara_ **

_Oh, Lena is a bottom, so very much a bottom!_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know why my format gets all screwed up sometimes...(There are no indents in places there should be...I hope that doesn't bother anyone.)  
> (Also this fic is why I haven't written ANYTHING on Unexpected Surprise or NFS AU


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